The Horrors of Being Single in Nigeria

 

By Tochi Eze

It’s a typical Saturday afternoon and the atmosphere is almost tangibly boring. Naturally, I’m in the middle of an activity and by activity I mean my eyes were glued to my lap top’s screen, watching old movies. Then my phone rings, a blatant interruption of my perfectly scheduled movie time. I plaster a frown on my face and dig it up from under my pillow. I see the caller I.D and it is one of my aunties. My frown burrows deeper. She only calls when there is a wedding or a funeral.
 
This time it turned out it was a wedding. A younger cousin she informed me excitedly. ‘Okay’ I responded, half listening and half following the movie playing on my laptop. 

"You have to do this for her in case of your turn,” she chirrups, referring to the dress I was required to make for the occasion. But wait, that’s not what she really meant. What she was trying to say was “When is your turning ever coming?” I knew it, because I can almost predictably tell from past occasions that I would attend the wedding, and have family members patting my cheeks and asking me when they can come and drink wine, in between mouthfuls of jollof rice. 

It is horrid I tell you. This marital expectation that hangs around like a bad omen. I remember when I graduated from the University and a family friend asked me “So what next? Marriage abi?”…In my head I thought, “Erm, life happens next–of course, with marriage tucked in between. The truth is, being single in Africa is tough. Being single in Nigeria is tougher. And as if dealing with the pressure is not enough, people have to keep playing the emotional blackmail card. Twisting your arm around cheap myths and ideologies that hold no water. 

So today, I want to address some of those well circulated myths and put them  where they really belong. Which of course is out of your head. Enjoy! 

Myth: Marriage confers respect. When you finally tie the knot, society will take you serious. People are careful how they talk to you. You begin to grow a sizable pot belly, or extra hips and everywhere you turn, strangers address you as sir or ma.

Truth: I don’t even know how to begin to address this. I considered skipping to the next myth but was only refrained by the realisation that people actually believe this. Sweetheart, the only person that can confer respect on you is you. Yes, self respect is what makes others treat you with dignity. Having people address you with titular appendages doesn’t mean anything. What matters is how they truly perceive you within, and this has nothing to do with a ring.

Myth: Delay gratification to attract a partner.  If you are a woman particularly, forget about driving a range rover, or any car. Humble yourself. Don’t be too ambitious and gush, be quiet even when you have something up your head. You know men are intimidated by ambitious women.

Truth: I won’t deny the myth above, I will only address it. Thing is, there are men who feel intimidated by the idea of successful women but that’s because their self esteem is so low, it can be dragged all over the country. Something is fundamentally wrong with a society that demands a person put their life on hold because they have not achieved a status. Please get your car. Travel. See the world. At the end of the day, you want to be with someone because they want you not because they prefer a degraded version of you.

Myth: If you above 35 and single, then someone has spiritually tied up your marital destiny. It is further buttered by statements like ‘you know when you were in the womb, your mother hissed at an orphan, the orphan then ran into the nearest forest and placed a curse. Hence, you are old with no spouse or children.

Truth: If someone ever tells you this, give them a knock. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with a man who decides to wait for the right woman and vice versa. I firmly believe that all good things will come if we give it time. So darling, give the love department time. You can’t outgrow or outdate love/marriage.

Myth: You are not doing enough. You probably need to make more money (as a man) or lose more weight (as a woman). Pray harder, socialise, go on countless weird blind dates, and stop at nothing until you find what you are looking for.

Truth: You don’t need to do enough because You. Are. Enough. And please, the emphasis is gladly mine. For crying out loud, love is not a reward for working hard, you don’t plot and scheme your way into happily ever after. I mean, focus on being an amazing person. The rest will naturally follow

So there you have it. Love your life. Love yourself. And everything else you desire will come to you

Tochi is Lawyer, Writer and Media Strategist. She can be reached on her twitter handle: @tochi5