I 'm not really good in story telling, either fiction or non-fiction - as such I can't be a good novelist. I don't even have passion for it even though I 'm a writer and essayist. However, there are memories of some hilarious past that needed to be told as it keeps re-playing in our mind because it elevates our mood, maintains our psyche in the mist of prevailing economic conditions and, often times, throw us into bouts of laughter.
This was an event that happened during our National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) few years back in one of the North-eastern states of Nigeria. The figure was the Corpers' Liaison Officer n the local government area of our primary assignment. He was controversial, very controversial, and even mysterious! His behaviour was as comedic as is irritating. Before and after him, I have never met an individual as controversial and multi-behavioural as he was.
At a point, every corps member in our local government including our Zonal Inspector (Z.I.) was tired of him. We even tried to impeach him, thinking perhaps, it was his office as CLO that got into his head, but no! It wasn't the office, it was the personality! Status can change, but personality remains the same. Besides, in our state, CLOs were then appointed by State Director's of NYSC from camp so we were more or less handicapped in removing him.
Here we go!
This our brother CLO who bears the name of our brothers in Sambisa and Middle East, was both a Christian and Muslim at the same time. He worships in our churches, the Christian Corpers' fellowship (NCCF), as well as attends northern mosques and performs their ablution, simultaneously. (Laughs).
He owns a bible and a Qur'an, and can quote biblical verses clearer than most Christians. Nobody knew his state of origin as he speaks both Hausa, Igbo and Yoruba fluently. His appearance too was deceptive. He didn't resemble these guys that strafe explosives around their body; we only assume he's from there because of the name he bears in NYSC (He might even have another name outside, who knows?). He is tall, well built, handsome, very fair and neat, with his spectacle always on his face. We aren't even sure he's a Nigerian even though he told us he was from Kano.
Abdullahi (not his real name), as a CLO, was not supposed to do a long travel without the Z.I.s' knowledge. But one day he did. Nobody knew his whereabouts, not even his friends (He dosen't have friends anyway). In that travel, he stayed more than two months remaining incommunicado. throwing everybody into panic and worry. No one could contact anyone about him; everyone was in the dark, until one day Z.I. came and announced to us that someone who introduced himself as CLOs' brother called him and told him that CLO was involved in a fatal accident in which all the occupants of the vehicle died, while CLO himself sustained a spinal cord injury (Hahahaha, oh my God!...Pls don't say I'm laughing at an accident victim o).
Meanwhile most of our female corpers started praying for him and showing sympathy (You know women are too emotional). But some of us - the guy men, knew it was just a 'format.' Some even cracked jokes that he was the only survivor of a plane crash that recently happened in Nigeria then.
Anyway with this information no one expected the guy back again, at least, not until our Passing Out Parade (P.O.P). But not more than one week after the call, CLO secretly entered town, walking majestically without any form of deformity or being on wheel chair (Praise God!....Hahahaha).
As if that was not enough, the same day, he craftily began collection of signatures of ALL the corps members in the local government on the pretence that it was a 'Pre-inspection' attendance (whatever that means). He said it is done ahead of the State Director's routine inspection and that it was an order from the NYSC State Secretariat. We 've never heard of that one before but corps members can be very desperate so everyone was putting down his name and signature. Some where even cursing their friends for not informing them of a 'pre-inspection' attendance (Hahaha). On how one man conned all the graduates in the town was still a surprise to me.
We never knew he wanted to use the list against our much cherished Zonal I.nspector, to allege that we all have passed a 'vote of no confidence' on him. We never knew he had something against the Z.I (may be the man no dey find him something) and he now wants to use everyone to achieve his aim. But the plot failed.
Prior to all this, Abdullahi nearly caused an inter-religious crisis in the fragile town we were serving. He 'd had a misunderstanding with a fellow corper at the corpers lodge, an Igbo corper who is also a christian, then he went and told the indigenous Hausa/Fulani Muslims in the town that the Igbo corper was abusing their prophet and religion. My goodness me! I packed all my bags that evening and ran back to Enugu the next morning (Hahaha). At least, if you didn't get the NYSC certificate, you should be able to come back with your head. (Laughs)
Also just like the Christians, his fellow Muslims later got tired of him. At a point the Muslim corpers threw him out of their mosque, and informed us he was no longer part of them. Serious!
In short, he was a thorn in the flesh to many -- to the extent that all the corpers in the lodge gathered one day and threw him out of the lodge too. Not deterred, he pleaded with one of us, a Pharmacist, who was living few miles away from the corpers' lodge, to accommodate him. This Pharmacist was given a 3-bedroom bungalow by the hospital management he was serving with; we warned him not to accommodate him because he will regret he doing so, but the Pharmacist reminded us he was living far away from the lodge and hardly gets information on corps members activities; but with CLO in his house, he 'll be getting a first hand information (Okay. no problem!).
Not up to 2 months in the corpers' house, CLO began claiming ownership of the house insisting he was the one that accommodated the Pharmacist (Hahaha). It almost degenerated into a fight until the hospital management intervened with proofs of letter of appointment, et.c, before CLO was evicted from the compound.
I remembered in one of the Muslim Sallah celebrations, the local government Chairman gave all the corpers a cow as Sallah gift, Abdullahi with the connivance of some local government officials almost diverted and sold the cow but we foiled their plan and made sure it was evenly distributed.
In fact there are many hilarious events with our CLO, but time and space will not permit me.
Finally during a dinner night party organised for corps members in our local government - towards the tail end of our service year - many awards of different categories were given, but when it was time to give the award for 'The Most Controversial' corper, everyone kept shouting, "CLO! CLO!! CLO!!!," and he won, unopposed.
Indeed such enigmatic breed are found once in a lifetime. And with his anonymous posture and mysterious lifestyle, such an individual, if found his way, can be an indispensable tool in the hands of international terrorists like ISIS, al Qaeda and others.
Chike Nnamani writes from Abuja, Nigeria.
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